Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Car crashes and being grateful

I am grateful, full stop required.
I'm not sure If it's for last year being over, or for the blessings we received.
Maybe you read about My sister's car crash (one of two) but for me, that is the most significant thing that has happened to our family, to come so close to loosing a part of yourself, Is a nightmare.
I had a lot happen at once last year, it seemed like a flood and once it started it didn't stop, It started in February with a collision with a drunk driver being pursued by police, that one was a shock to wake up to in the morning, but we figured she'd be okay in a little while, and who is that unlucky?
I remember waking up, I was not long asleep in a bed with Eve, her foot was in my face- Mum was crying, and shouting at Dad to get up all at once- I went to see what all the fuss was about and Mum shot out the door without Dad- I remember her saying "Martyn it's really bad" Dad got up to leave- he'd been asleep, and I answered the phone to a paramedics crew, they wouldn't say much, talking about words like trying to stabilise and fatalities- then mum called in the kind of voice that made me want to cry and collapse all at once, I put dad on and he left.
Me and Eve didn't know what to do, it was nearly one am, I forget how, but we ended up on our knee's in the lounge, praying solidly for about an hour, crying our eye's out.
I didn't find out we'd lost our friend Jack until at 5am the phone rang and it was his younger brother- my age, his voice was so thick I didn't recognise him, he asked if Olivia was alright, if she'd made it, I didn't know, I asked him if he'd been in the car- if he was okay, he said his brother had been killed and he thought the driver had died (he hadn't).
That was when I felt angry, and sad and sick.

The next day my auntie Maggie came to see us and bought us lunch, because ultimately food fixes anything, we knew Oli was stable and mum asked me to get a card for Jack's family- who used to be our neighbours, that was when it hit me, I went to buy that card and when I got to the till I sobbed my heart out, the poor man on didn't know what to do.
We went to visit the crash scene after- it was littered in evidence markers, One of Jack's closest friends was sobbing his heart out, and all he could ask was how is my sister.
My heart felt grateful, I ached, I still do.
I felt like a tree had nearly stolen my sister.
You always love your family, it's a done deal, something you do unconsciously, but until then, I have never understood how much she is part of me, I felt it like an ache, I wanted to be near her, to see her, to comfort her- even though when I was and I realised she was okay, she was Oli still, all I did was eat her food and sometimes by accident knock her leg.
I was grateful for my friends, grateful for my teachers- letting me sleep on the job, grateful for the staff who let us sign out early and slip away.
I was grateful for the people.
I never knew how wonderful some people are until they're on your doorstep, sitting with you for the night, bringing you food, offering you free cab rides from charring cross hospital all the way to Ruislip, or the paramedics going all the way up to the 7th floor to ask us how she was- our teachers visiting, bringing books she might like or that I definitely did.
I don't know if I even make sense, I am grateful, with a full and aching heart, even these 8 months past, I am grateful for the people.

Is your name Erin?
Then Erin- please, do a dance, you may cross off one resolution already, because guess what? you won!
However you didn't leave an email address (rookie mistake) so you have to email me.
Or leave it below- either way.
I'm already grateful for 2011 and everyone's still healthy- fingers crossed people.


Erin said...

Hooray! I sent you an e-mail! I'm so excited to finally win something! I never win anything! Woo hoooooooo!!!!

Tamsin said...

So proud of you for telling that difficult story, and for doing it so well.

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